The waves crashed against the ship and flooded over the rail. The storm was horrid. It had come about with no prior warning. But she didn’t notice it much. She sat in the captains quarters gazing with empty eyes out of the window where the storm got worse. The sailors worked on all the ends of the ship trying to make it work, but without success. The ship was sinking.
But then it hit her, he was alone out there, and it was late to do anything to save anyone. She looked around in confusion. There was no need to be frightened in this moment. Everyone were close to death no matter what. She started to run on the slippery wooden deck, to the helm. She looked for him. Only him. In this moment of destruction she needed to know. She found him at the helm. Nothing really mattered now, but she still stitched herself on to him as he was lying there, closing her eyes. She wanted to feel his scent, the heat of his body, for the last time. She met his obscure look and her heart fell down to her feet. “Do you hate me?” She screamed, so that he would hear it in the tumult of screaming sailors and the storms merciless rampage. Tears started to stream down her cheeks. She didn’t risk her friend’s life on purpose, she hadn’t known that a loose line on the sail that she was sloppy with could create this hell. If it wasn’t for her tiny mistake, he might have still been able to live. Now he laid there in her arms, with horrendous wounds on his body.
She couldn’t breathe. Her feelings overwhelmed her. She was drowning of them and choking of the darkness that had held her feelings back. For a moment she felt light-headed and was about to faint, but she blocked it out and held him harder in her arms. Reality killed her, not piece by piece but like a wave that had swallowed all of her at once. The basis her life was built upon had collapsed. She was left in her pure dark world. Was this love? She asked herself, almost confused of her though.
Whether this is the end or beginning, I like how you manage to tie in references to the ocean to describe how the female character feels. Her "tiny" mistake makes the reader (me) wonder what she has done. The boat, dark and love themes used in the segment reminds me a lot of Titanic. If this is the beginning (but how the story ends), perhaps a usage of contrast can be used, like "it was a light sunny day when the boat sailed" or whatever.
SvaraRaderaI look forward to the next entry.
I thought of Titanic as well! I think you really manage to portrait the feelings of the female character well, though as Sophie already mentioned you can use more contrasts, similes and metaphors to "paint" the story.
SvaraRadera