It was just another normal day, I got up 6 am to get to work. And what work that was. I worked at the lunch hall cafeteria at a shitty prison in northern London in a shitty neighborhood, and it was really bad. It was so bad that one of the lunch ladies had her head shoved into the deep dry cooker. We didn't serve fried food for a while... It was Tuesday, I never got the hang of tuesdays, they were always useless. But then it was almost like that everyday... I had been working there for some time, doing community service since I pushed that old ladies wheelchair down the steep street towards the hugely trafficed junction, she broke 10 bones and wasn't happy about it.
Anyway, I was getting to work and this there wasn't much time left, it was my last week in hell. But some were determined to make it even worse than usual.
"Hey Mr Presley!"
"Hey fucking retard, time to do some time today?"
The main character reminds me slightly of the main character of The Stranger, just a bit more filled with hate. Good description of his area, if possible, make it a bit more "mundane" so the reader really feels like it is indeed a "shitty neighbourhood". The reader gets a taste of what the character is all about; maybe continue on that trail, and see where it ends.
SvaraRaderaI appreciate the bold tone of your story. It grabs the attention of the reader. The character is also introduced without you having to directly describe him, since you are telling the story from his perspective. This is a very delicate and seamless way of presenting the character. But keep in mind that maintaining a good tone is a balancing act so be careful not to overdo it.
SvaraRaderaGood start. You've got a character, a situation and the first hints of a problem, all in just a couple of paragraphs.
SvaraRaderaRemember what I said in class about showing, not telling? Your character says the prison is shitty, that it's really bad. Okay, if you say so. Then you mention that one of the lunch ladies got her head stuck in the deep fat fryer. NOW I believe you. Don't tell me that it's bad. Give me a couple of short anecdotes like that and I know it's bad. Telling me weakens it.
Same goes for the Tuesdays. You've never liked Tuesdays. Why? Because they're useless. Weak. Show me that they're useless. It doesn't have to take more than a sentence.
That said, you've got a story going here. Show me what happens next!