torsdag 12 maj 2011
Marcus' Story
The first thing I became aware of when I woke up, was the constant pressure on my lower part of the body. As I looked down to where my legs would normally be, I could only see stone and gravel and as I tried to move my legs some of it shifted. The torches dim light conjured shadows that were distorted and as the debris and dust settled a new a strange world came into view. I fumbled around with my hands in the vicinity around my body in a futile attempt to find my shovel, I cursed at the stupidity of going down to the dig site alone at night, how could I have been so foolish? And as the shock faded from my mind and clarity took over I started to scrape away the top layers of dirt that were covering my legs.
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I like the fact that you get right to the action, Marcus. This really builds suspense and leaves me wondering what the story is all about. Keep it up!
SvaraRaderaThe only detail I can actually make a remark on is the excessive use of the word "I". Try to perhaps avoid using that word in places where it is not absolutely necessary. The reader (at least I) will still understand who you are referring to.
The beginning of the story makes me curious about why he/she wanted to go down alone, what was so important? Was he looking for something? If so,why is the thing he is looking for so important?
SvaraRaderaThere is a great sense of atmosphere in this part of the story. It manages to be suspenseful because much of it is left unexplained. The story would benefit from a continued level of mystery similar to this. It leads to the reader (at least me) wanting to know more.
SvaraRaderaThe only detail that I can perhaps make a remark on is the use of the word “I”. Just be careful not to use it excessively. The reader will still understand who you are referring to.
Immediately interesting as a lead-in. Do you know where you're going with this?
SvaraRaderaUnlike Deniz, I don't think you should dispense with pronouns.